Why friends matter (and 3 science-backed frameworks to find yours)

We just started Mental Health Awareness Month, and yesterday, the Surgeon General declared loneliness a deadly nation-wide pandemic.  His report states that loneliness raises the risk of premature death by nearly 30%, equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, with links to stroke, heart disease, depression, anxiety and dementia.  New research is coming out all of the time confirming that for most of us, adult friendships are important for both mental and physical health.  Close friendships generate meaningful benefits that require no cost or tech intervention–just old-fashioned emotional intimacy.  Who doesn’t want lower levels of anxiety and depression, lower levels of inflammation and better immune function, increased satisfaction with your life, and improved cognitive function as you age?  And yet, many of us haven’t made any new friends in more than 5 years, according to a pre-pandemic study from OnePoll and Evite.  Almost half of adults surveyed for that study said they struggle to make friends, and 4 out of 5 said lasting friendship is hard to find.

I am blessed with many close male and female friends–some old, many new, professional, personal, in my neighborhood, across town, across the country, across the globe.  But I hear some of my favorite people say it’s hard to make friends as adults, so here are a few evidence-based frameworks you can use if you struggle as well (no matter your sex):

• The Frientimacy Formula: Shasta Nelson developed this framework based on research and insights from the field of social psychology, drawing on key principles of interpersonal communication. It consists of three components: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. The Friendship Formula suggests that in order to build meaningful friendships, you need to focus on being positive, consistent, and vulnerable with the people you want to be friends with.  We’re not talking about toxic positivity here; we’re talking about showing up, being real, and enjoying each other’s company.  
• The Social Penetration Theory: This framework was developed by psychologists Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor. It suggests that friendships deepen as people gradually reveal more and more about themselves to each other. This process involves self-disclosure, which can help build trust and intimacy (see being vulnerable above).  Just make sure you balance talking about yourself with listening to your friend.
• The Dunbar Number: This framework was developed by anthropologist Robin Dunbar. It suggests that humans have a cognitive limit to the number of stable relationships they can maintain, which is approximately 150. The Dunbar Number suggests that in order to build meaningful friendships, you need to focus on cultivating a smaller, close-knit group of friends rather than trying to maintain a large number of shallow relationships.  Read: you don’t need a big social following to have successful friendships; trying to keep up with too many people may hinder your ability to develop meaningful relationships with a few people you can really rely on.

Research shows that women are more likely to turn to friends for emotional support, while men are more likely to turn to their partners or family members.  Overall, women place a high value on emotional intimacy, shared experiences, trust, loyalty, communication, and reciprocity in their friendships. (I find that men value those often, too.)  These factors can help you build strong and lasting connections.

So what does this look like in practice?  I grew up moving every 2-4 years, and even though I was a rather introverted child, I became pretty skilled at forming authentic relationships with new people.  Here are a couple of concepts that rang true for me as a kid, as a 17 year-old who started college 500 miles from home without knowing anyone nearby, and as a working professional with two major moves knowing only my partner:

• Be yourself (strategically).  Use this old adage as an opportunity to think more deeply about an overall strategy that will work for your unique personality depending on the environment you’re walking into.  At one of my first networking events where I was new in town and knew absolutely nobody in the room, a guy my age walked up, handed me his card, did not tell me his name, but basically mumbled “I work for this company–are you in need of this service?” and walked away before I could engage.  It seemed like his strategy was to hand out as many business cards as possible and build zero relationships.  At the same event, a gal next to me introduced herself and said, “what do you think about this? I find these events so awkward.”  We talked easily for an hour.  And my networking strategy was born!
  
  When I can unleash my authentic self this way, it works in most places.  Instead of small talk, I ask how someone’s day is going, if they like this kind of event, if they live close by, what they like most about their work, what they like to do when they’re not at work, what is difficult for them right now…  If they tell me something real, I know they are my kind of people.  Those who know me well joke that I can make friends in line at the grocery, and it’s true.  I thrive on getting to know people one-on-one, and I set myself up as best I can for the types of interactions that will bring about those meaningful conversations with one other person.  I don’t lead with jokes because I’m not particularly funny.  I don’t try to engage too many people at once because that drains me.  Most other humans are generally receptive if you show genuine interest in who they are or what they do, in a way that feels comfortable and natural for you, so make opportunities for whatever that looks like.             
  
  You want to feel prepared whether it’s time with your toddler at the playground or a formal networking event–think through different scenarios.  What are you hoping to get out of the interaction?  Think about at least one thing you can do to stay calm if you feel anxious or awkward (maybe a mantra you can repeat to yourself, or a discreet type of breathing, or talisman you can keep in your pocket).  Then think of at least one thing you can say if someone approaches you, or you want to approach them.  How will you introduce yourself in a group icebreaker?  What might you say if someone who looks interesting happens to be next to you in line?
  
  Then comes the tricky part, but one that’s essential for developing deep friendship: once you’ve nabbed that new friend, let them get to know the real you.  Yep, those shameful parts you don’t like to display.  Let the mask fall.  Self-disclosure is where the magic happens. Anyone who sees me at school drop-off or pickup knows I have no qualms walking around in sweats sans makeup.  Anyone who comes to my home knows to expect a large dose of kid clutter.  Anyone who really wants to know how I’m doing will find out pretty quickly if they ask.  Nobody wants to befriend a perfectly polished, guarded robot–show them the messy parts; if they stick around, they’re true friends.  Brene Brown has plenty for you to read or watch regarding the power of vulnerability if you need more direction.        

• Assume positive intent.  When I was on the Board for Girls on the Run in Kansas City years ago, hearing this tenet from the curriculum really resonated with me, in work and in life.  This may require you to dig deep and shift your perspective, but once you do, I promise you will be happier and your relationships will be easier.  What if when you perceive you have been slighted, you could believe that it wasn’t personal?  What if this infuriating thing that happened wasn’t actually directed at you?  Can you imagine a scenario where the offending person was having a rough day and made a mistake?  Could you find a way to talk with them calmly about the situation and its impact without making it personal, and listen to their side of the story?
  
  Assuming positive intent is essential to healthy, whole, authentic friendships.  If a friend forgets about your text, you extend grace instead of becoming enraged and questioning the relationship.  If a friend violates an unspoken boundary between the two of you, you discuss it calmly and agree on a way to move forward.  If a friend says she can’t help with something important to you, or has to reschedule, remember she’s balancing a lot of priorities and you’re not always going to rise to the top.
  
  To be clear, I’m not suggesting you let people abuse your friendship or that you stop standing up for yourself.  You should absolutely set appropriate boundaries and enforce them as necessary within any relationship.  I am suggesting that you pause, consider the other person’s perspective, and appreciate that intimacy requires supporting one another both when things are easy and when things are hard.  Give people you love the benefit of the doubt whenever appropriate; when that becomes easy, start extending it to strangers.
   
• Discuss reciprocity.  We generally want to feel that our friends are as invested in the relationship as we are and willing to put in the effort to maintain it.  You are not for everyone.  Read that again, and see above regarding boundaries.  It’s not personal.  Don’t overextend yourself for someone who isn’t going to show up for you.  You’re aiming for connections, not transactions, but you’re also looking for quality over quantity.  Some of the people you meet will be friendly acquaintances that you can and should help when it’s convenient, and they will likely do the same; not everyone will be a life-long friend for whom you can drop everything.   
  
  Sometimes, distance and time can put a strain on emotional intimacy.  You should openly discuss your needs to maintain your relationship.  Ideally, you will find time to make a video-chat or phone call in real time once in a while if you’re not co-located–research shows that the back and forth conversation you can only have in real time is best.  My high school friends and I send a text or make a phone call on rare occasions, but we all know that when we do get to see each other in person, even if only once a year or every few years, the emotional intimacy remains.  A group of my college friends has an enormous shared chat on Slack with different channels to track different interests; some days see more action there than others.  Two of my other college friends and I love leaving video messages for each other via Marco Polo where we all view and respond to them at different rates. There is a 16 hour time difference with one of my best college friends, and we’d rather enjoy a live video chat even though it’s more difficult to find time for that than to have more frequent updates when we’re not both present.  I see many of my local parent friends in person more often during play dates with our kids than solo catch-ups.  Do what works for you to maintain your connections.  

Of course, all of this assumes you actually have time for adult friendship in your busy life.  One book I’ve recommended to many friends is Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play (or any of the resources at https://www.fairplaylife.com/) to reclaim your time for adult friendship and creative pursuits if partnership or family life has eaten up your entire schedule.  Join our free VIP Player’s Club below to learn when our special edition adult friendship pendant drops and to help select our donation partner.